This Way
I’ve started meditating again, I tell a friend.
Oh yes, she nods, supportively, you mentioned that a while ago.
How’s it going? she smiles.
Uh, no, no, I stopped since I last mentioned it. But I’ve started again.
In the early morning hours, with the pink of the sun waking up the clouds, I struggle to meditate. I am practicing ‘noting’, a technique whereby you gently note when a thought has distracted you, by saying “thinking” in your mind and then releasing the thought. Sounds lovely. But all I am doing is saying “thinking” “thinking” “thinking”, in a manic loop.
And I am worrying. Why can’t I stop thinking? I am not having even a moment without thought, it is ALL thought, this very thought is thought!
Until something happens and I realize that I am lying on the couch breathing and trying to do it right, but knowing I am doing it wrong. I am lying on the couch wrong. I am breathing wrong. I am thinking wrong.
What the what?!!
It strikes me as sort of hysterical, and something in me breaks open, releases, and relaxes.
The Wrong Way.
We spend much of our time/energy/focus worrying that we are doing things the Wrong Way. Living the Wrong Way, eating the Wrong Way, loving the Wrong Way, looking the Wrong Way. Inherent in that is attempting to always do it the Right Way. As if there is One Way.
But here’s the thing:
As many people as there are on this planet, there are that many ways to do life. Sure, there are things that are wrong - unequivocally wrong, I mean, and I think we can all conjure up a quick, but clear list of those things. But in terms of creating a life you love, there is not one way. I have written before about meditation, exercise, drinking green smoothies, and these are wonderful. They work for me. But they might not work for you. And they don’t always work for me. Sometimes I take big breaks from any of them, and often feel guilty about it, but maybe it is ok. It is what my life calls for in that moment.
We get militant, believe that we have to be doing things a certain way in order to be living well and to feel well, to be well. Then we rebel against that very militancy and it stops us from continuing to do the "good things". So what if we relaxed a little? Stop trying to do things the Right Way. Stop worrying about that great big Ledger in the Sky that we somehow imagine is keeping track, keeping score, tallying points. It doesn’t exist.
Do it. Do whatever. If it creates disaster, deal with it. Maybe in that disaster lies beauty. This is it. This is the life we have. So grab it. There is no wrong. There is just being, living, stumbling along. We are all just imbeciles doing our best. There is no right way, no wrong way. Just your way. This way.
