Should-ing All Over Yourself
All the cookies we should not eat.
Should. A shackle of a word. Perhaps only the phrase “should have” binds tighter.
We are all so full of ‘shoulds’. I should eat better, I should be better with my money, I should exercise more, I should go to bed earlier, I shouldn’t care what people think, I shouldn’t have eaten that, I shouldn’t have spent that, I should stop watching so much netflix, I should have said that, I should have saved more, I should, I should, I should.
It’s the worst. All that should-ing makes a body feel stifled, tense, shamed. When we “should” all over ourselves, there is no room for play, for lightness, for joy, for what we WANT to do. Should-ing drowns out the voice inside that can guide you where you want to go.
We get these ‘shoulds’ from many sources, but rarely from our own deep wisdom. Doing a thing because we should do it will almost never yield the deep, cellular transformation that we are seeking. Most of us rebel, sooner or later, against that should. Should feels like a force from outside of ourselves, binding us, restricting us. Inevitably, if we feel pushed, we eventually push back. Desire, however, feels like a force from within that is guiding us, nudging us, pulling us, forward.
When our “why” comes from within, from a deep desire, we will do the thing. When it comes from somewhere - or someone - else, we so often resist it.
So if you catch yourself uttering “I should” a lot, maybe pause for a moment and ask yourself if you can replace that with “I want”. Notice the change in your body as you move from “I should” to “I want”. Which feels better? This isn’t an idle question. Lasting change happens from a place of feeling good. A life in which we feel good is, after all, what most of us are after.
Seymour has no trouble tapping into what he WANTS to do, and then doing it. And trust me, he feels good.
Sometimes when l talk to a client about not “shoulding” all over themselves, they might respond with “oh yeah, I’ve got to work on that”, which, of course, is just one more should. Let’s try to take a lighter approach. Be curious about all that should-ing, be interested in it, and then play with releasing it. See if you can tap into what you want to do, instead, and then dare to do it. Use children and animals as your guide - they are so adept at honouring that internal voice that guides them towards what they want. It might not be what their parents or owners want, but you can’t deny that when they honour that voice, they are, indeed, happy.
If you are worried this will lead to you neglecting your children, skipping out on work, or worse…all I can say is try it and see. I simply don’t believe that you don’t want to care for your children! I believe that if you decide you are going to work because you want to, because you want the funds to support your life, then you will approach work differently, that a change in job (if that is what you are seeking) is more likely to come from a place of desire than of resentment of your current circumstances. When we feel like we are living from a place of agency, a place of doing what we want to do, our bodies and lives feel so much better. From these good feeling bodies, we can effect the change we desire. Try it, if you wish, and see.
